Everything is Written.
So this is just a few of my random thoughts, journal entries if you will. As writing is something in which I love to do, and wish to do often, but very rarely get the chance to, most of these will be rough drafts, some not even finished, but i’ll try my best to finish them as soon as possible. I’ll try to distinguish between the roughs and finals for all of those who care. If you read them, it’s appreciated that you actually took the time (: Thank you.
I Miss You (Rough)
There are several reasons as to why I miss you. The main one: you are surprisingly the only person i can talk to about anything. And when i say anything….i mean fucking anything. That’s why it was so hard to let go. But now that i never see you, not that i got too much before, it sucks even more. I’m not sure if everything you helped me through, all the things you said, were true or not, but even if they weren’t, you were at least there to listen to me whine, you took my opinions to heart, debated with me, understood my point of view. You were somebody I could trust. Even when I was telling you something I had never told anybody before, not even my best friend, for some reason, it was so easy. I don’t know why, but for the longest time, I’ve felt I could trust you. There’s something about what you stand for, who you are, and the way you present yourself- that I trust you. You’re legit. And I miss that. I don’t mind that we could never be more than friends. I understand that. But to loose you as a friend, to never see you anymore, never talk to you. it sucks. I listen to this one song daily, one that only reminds me of you. When we used to talk everyday, when we used to lie around talking about stupid random shytt. When I made you exercise in the mornings while everybody else was passed out, being bed hogs. Ha. Good times. But that song, you’re the only person I think about when it comes on. And it used to be that it made me smile, fill me with life. But recently, it’s brought me down. It makes me miss you, brings me into this darker place where I don’t want anything or anybody by my side that isn’t you. There are several reasons as to why I miss seeing your face. But the main reason, I miss being able to talk to you. <3
I’ve got a robot pocket watch
tied to my platinum chain;
Staring at my golden compass
through this glass eye
How many times must I try?
These are the things that haunt me
On this journey as we fall
Into an endless rabbit hole
What is this telling me
This crazy Cheshire cat’s eye?
12.26.12 (Rough not even close to done. >.< )
So it ended. Just like that. No warnings, no hints, just the silence that let us fall into a darkness….
So today I was wondering. Nothing significant, but a thought. Looking in the mirror, watching myself try to hide all the pain inside that my eyes simply gave away anyways, i wondered, why are people like this? Why is any organism with a heart like this? What are the emotions for? Why is it that simple things, like bugs, are able to go through life feeling nothing other than physical pain? Why is that humans are forced to face this emotional damage as well? What causes it in the first place? That’s where i got stuck after i realized that emotional responses were primarily for our survival. But where does it come from? What is it? After all, we’re made up of all the same pieces of a puzzle that bugs are. We’re all just giant combinations of little strands of DNA and cells. How is it possible for us to have emotions? Where are they hidden in us? Is it possible for people to have a soul? At first I thought not. But then I realized, we’re all made of up of the same thing, but yet we all see things, feel things differently. So there has to be something, right? I mean, it doesn’t make sense for people to all have the same basic structure, but have a different view without something setting us all apart. But what is it? I’ve been driving myself crazy trying to figure out where it is inside us, literally wanting to tear myself open in search of it to figure out what made it tick, almost as if as soon as i found it i could question it. Then there was a tangent. I knew that wasn’t a possibility because i’d merely die in search, i knew it was wrong. But how? I knew right from wrong in a search based off of curiosity. How is it we are able to tell rights from wrongs, yet everybody has their own versions of a right and wrong. It’s killing me. I want to know what it is that allows us to feel such pain, such bliss, angst, and jealousy. If there is a soul hidden inside us all, for one, what’s the point? and two, where are you hidden?
Remember that shy, innocent, quiet girl that you first met?
The one that was scared to hell and back to open her mouth in front of people
The one that was so scared of what people would think, she didn’t even tell her closest friends her problems.
The one who would stay in almost every weekend because she was scared to go out…
Whose voice shook every time she spoke?
Remember how you changed that?
How you talked to her and made her feel like she wasn’t so awkward, like everything was fine, and people didn’t care.
How you made her feel special by telling her if it were up to you, you’d break her of all of that, and get her to open up.
And you did…
And she changed…
Well now you’re gone.
And she held on to what you had taught her….
For as long as she could
But without you by her side….
Without you there to make her smile each day
Without just that simple “hey there :3”…
She fell back.
And now she can’t breathe once again.
She’s scared to be the one to say “hey” to somebody new first
She’s lost in the crowd
Wishing you hadn’t let her go,
Let her fall,
Let her disappear….
I want to live near the ocean. So I could go out and stand on the edge of the water every night at midnight and stare at the moon casting its light on the water’s surface. The solitude is what I long for. I want to live where there are men that skateboard and are passionate about it. That is their happiness in their free time. They have groups of friends that they go out with, and try to better each other through competition, throwing their best tricks, laughing, enjoying the time spent. I want to be that girl that’s accepted into the group because I get them. I understand the family. I can laugh with them, and pick on them, as they can pick on me. I want to take amazing pictures of this incredible art form they perform every day, just for the hell of it. I want to live in a place where the favored music choice is alternative rock. Inspirational, hard hitting, meaningful, enjoyable music that is good to listen to no matter what mood you’re in. I want to live near creative people. People that don’t just take each day and live it as if there is nothing they can do to better it. I want people who will go out, and try to do something amazing with their day. Create something new. Try something new. Do all of these things with people that they love. I want to be in this group of people. People like me. I want to be home.